… and she upped mt dose. Apparently healthy teenagers aren’t supposed to think about killing themselves or something… I don’t have any side-effects, so why not take them? They don’t seem to do much, but my insurance covers them.
So anyway, last night I (still not sure who this *I* is) asked Holo to step back. She was reluctant, but she was very tired. So Dark stepped up, at which point we ran into a bit of a problem… She’s left-handed! I never saw that coming.
So we tried to work through that, but it was a bit too much for her, and she wasn’t front when I woke. Apollo was comforting her. Apparently it was a bit traumatic to go from be very agile to unable to even write clearly. I feel sorry for her. But when we excersise or play sports she’s just fine!
Anyway, so that didn’t work, and I feel sorry for her. She says there are other leftys in there, Apollo being one of them. And maybe Illia? She usually types, so I don’t know.
So Mag (g as in gem, so like magic) took from this morning which… was nearly a disaster. She is a bit younger than I thought (perhaps eleven?) and she has issues with bugs and comments. So… Mother made a comment about what I was wearing, then there was a swarm of nats in the car… God did I freak out. I started crying and throwing a hysterical fit. Mother was caught very off guard, as I don’t cry in public.
So I needed to get help, so I settled on Muse, who takes care of Bean (the only little I had until then… now there are two!), and she quickly pulled things together and comforted Mag, while still letting her stay front. So I found myself playing will legos before a psych appointment… Yeah, kind of embarassing when everyone looks at you like they did…
So for as long she can stand to be front, Mag and I (Muse) will be working with her fears. And there sure are a lot of them! I’m going to ask her to move in with me, away from her sisters for a while.
Diary 19 July Mon
It’s hard to believe, I know, but I actually got up at 6 AM. I took a nap from 10 to noon, but what can you do when it is so cold?
I need to stop my obsessive posting. I should have a limit of two or three per day, tops. Four or more is in one day is just excessive.
Another thing that suprises me is all the people in my head. I thought they were just little fragments that served some sort of purpose, but they are so much more than that!
One of them has developed an interest in ham radio, and while I don’t know who it is, it’s NOT Auto, who is usually inot information. But he says it’s not fast enough for him.
And another thing. Who is “I”? I don’t have anyone that identifies with my body name… I know who “I” is when I call myself Sophia David LeMorgon. “I” is all of us, or near as I can tell, though it’s often colored my who’s closest to front…
I also figured out today that it’s Mag, my neurotic member, who has the fascination with birds. Good to know! 🙂
holo is not used to fronting so much. She’s been extreme front for better than two weeks now… I think her record before was like 3 days… (this pronoun thing is a bit weird) No wonder I’m getting depressed! I’m stressing her out of her mind ans she has no way to cope… I don’t think she’s developed one…
Sophie is the real sticking point. Her values are very different by nature of her Catholicism. She is so particular and demanding.
The question is should I play Russian Roulette with who fronts, or pick? The only reason I can do that is because to some degree, other than Muse, they’re all me. A thread of “me-ness” runs through them all… Thus is the grace of being a median of a non-trauma nature. And we co-front a lot. I’m not saying there is perfect control or communication, but there’s some. This “I” is mostly holo’s views and such.
So who do I (holo) give the keys to? Dark.
Tomorrow is going to be a ride. holo out.
(dramatic change in hand writing because Dark is left-handed)
dark here. I’m a lefty, and I will have to teach this body. Apollo and a few others are also left handed. And it’s not true to say that sa responding to the body never existed. But sa is pretty much dead. We’ve split sa up among us. And we can finally come all the way Front without a crisis of some kind. We can finally live instead of being tools. This had is so weak, and Holo just won’t let go. Maybe in the morning.
(alphabet, upper and lower, numbers)
More practice tomorrow, after I exercise the body. So out of shape. I’ll explore… But what about the calls and Mrs. P…? I’ll be up early enough to do it all!