My mood is somewhat improved over the last week, on account of getting everything I wanted, but it’s a rollercoaster crapshoot. Up and down, then up again.
As my mood fluctuates, I’m just running out of steam. I’m basically out of steam as it were. What the hell, like seriously? I think I may be working too hard internally. I should take a few steps back and get some exercise, relax a bit. My dog is having a seizure in the next room I think… I’m not allowed to check on account of how agressive he gets, so I hope he’s ok. Sounds like my dad’s with him.
I am so weepy and tired of this world. I wish that I could be where Muse is from, I wish I could do the job that she did. It’s just beautiful the way that she lived… It makes me cry sometimes that I can’t have things that beautiful. Nothing in this world is as beautiful as that place where she’s from. And nothing is as ugly.
This world is so mediocre… I wish there was something that I really cared about. I am so apathetic right now, and yeah, the dog’s having a seizure, I can hear him thrashing, and it shakes the trailer that I live in. It sucks you know? Ech, I’m just emptied out right now.
Just wish I could let myself cry. Wish that I could sleep for days. Wish I could extend myself as far as I know I should. It makes me so broken to think that I know what I want, and in this world, that it is completely impossible. Not by rules or people, but by the laws of nature. People like Muse cannot exist here. And it makes me so, so sad. Because Muse’s home is what I want.
I think that’s why she keeps it mostly hidden from me, because I just can’t stand that overwhelming joy that I know that I will never have. I mean, DAMN, what she did for a living is everything that I want. It’s pure and crystal and beautiful and it sings. And I’m so sad to be so limited like this.
I just want to drown in information. God, why can’t anyone understand my need to drown in information and ideas and concepts and sounds and words and thoughts and math and everything? Just drown, drown, drown in it. Drown the world away. How the hell do people manage to live if they don’t cope like this.
Information is so hard to find. God. It needs to be smooth like a good whiskey, that kick, that heat going down your throat. It needs to burn a bit. But it should be uninterrupted and overwhelming. God, why can’t people understand my dispair! But no one, no one does…
So I try to cry…