Sorry for the previous post. We had to tell someone.
But for the last hour, I’ve been having repetitive thoughts about two boys I had a bit of trouble with last year. I guess it’s because school starting on the 23rd for me. So just a bit more than a week.
So I’ve been thinking about this thing for a whole hour!
I’ll write more if I go another hour without sleeping. I don’t want to call in Sarah, I want to do this on my own. Maybe with this people will begin to realize that I’m not 2D.
We finally got to slep, but I think that I will explain the situation anyway. It involves two boys, R and T. So for an entire semester, T kept telling me that R liked me, even though R had a girl friend. I actually preffered T, but he also had a girls friend.
When they found out about my fondness for gay men, they would rub all over each other, etc., sending me into a sort of sexual frenzy. They would love to watch me squirm, and tease my about it.
Then I finally started dating my ex, and they just couldn’t wrap their heads around the fact that I would date a trans woman. I like femininity. They just didn’t get it though. I ended up explaining it as “lesbians with benifits”.
Anyway, so T started teasing me about my “boyfriend”, and was his stuff being enough for me? Well, yeah, it was enough for me (not that it ever got used). T talked about how big R was and such.
So one day, T was bragging about R, and kept going. And I was like, “What do you even know about me?” And I punched him in the shoulder playfully, forgetting that he doesn’t like to be touched, which I understand.
So he told me not to touch him or… and he trailed off. But in my head a million things were going on. I wanted to tell him to go ahead and funking punch me, I’d enjoy it. I wanted to rip him to shreads. I wanted him to ip me to shreads. I wanted him to cover me in bruises. I wanted to be with my girlfriend. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I felt guilty.
So, this occured while the class was playing a game. I got called up. I wasn’t ready to move. I wasn’t ready to have everyone looking at me. I got up and played one round of the game, bursting into tears halfway through, and hid in the corner seat of the room, pulling my knees up to my chest.
And T was horrified, and he tried to ask me what was wrong, but I couldn’t tell him because I would have exploded. I’ve never told anyone about this before.
And so what upset/fixated me last night was that I was imagining having to put up with them again this year, when I’m trying really hard to get all of my peices together. I’ve decided to work on somethings, and I made a few discoveries last night.
So I was imagaining what I would do to make them leave me alone, what I would do to T, the violent things I would say or go, which inevitably led me to think about sex. And I imagined every way that any of this could go… etc. ad nausium.