*disclaimer: somewhat violent and mature. Venting. Long. Unsettling/disturbing.*
This is a position statement of sorts. I don’t think everyone in this system relates to this, hell, most of them don’t, but I’ll say what I like.
I can turn my empathy on and off, my sense of smell, sense of state, the sensation of cold. I can control all that. Apparently being able to turn empathy off is not normal. I thought everyone could do it. Apparently not.
I’ve been refered to as a “dark passenger” or a “dark side” for most of my existance, hence the Nick “Dark”, I’ll pick up a name if it one ever strikes me. It will probably be Greek or Roman.
However, my point was going to be on integration. I think that Slink is pretty well subsumed, and Ria is half way there. Life is interesting. The headaches are >< but what can I do?
I know that I can kill people in here. Some people may not understand that or respect that, or will tell me that's murder. Well, yes, it's murder. And, no, I don't particularly care.
The system has recently come to the conclusion that I am the oldest. I create things, I solve things. Perhaps this doesn't give me any more "right" than anyone else, but I feel like it does. I don't front so much, people find me rather offensive and cruel, but I'm really not so bad.
I'm intellegent, I'm fast, I'm determined, I'm driven, I'm talented. But I like my space, and a lot of it. I've decided that maybe I can work on some of my issues. Issues that have been hiding since I was little. One year, I got referals over 36 times (I can't remember the exact number, but 37 sounds right), and sent one kid to the hospital.
Yes, I AM VIOLENT. But I refuse to let people walk all over me. That's unproductive and stupid. You treat me well, and I'll treat you well. I get teased a bit in here for my libido and preferences, but I know what I want.
And I know that all of what I am is unhealthy. My problem is I just can't see an alternative. I have a VERY violent sexuality. Think horror movie serial killer violent, then tone it down so that they don't die. But just the feeling of ripping someone apart.
I suppose that's why I align a lot with serial killers. We are a lot alike, over very many respects. Except for wetting the bed, I'm right there with them, and I'm not ashamed of it, I'm PROUD, and I don't understand why other people don't understand that.
How can other people not want to rip people/animals/things to shreads? What the hell do you think about then? What do you mean that you don't fantacise violently, that you don't find the pictures serial killers take as arrousing? Hell, that's my cake, reading about that, looking at pictures of that. It's my pornography, though I don't look much anymore.
Oh, and BeautyDeep? Everyone ELSE wants to apologize for this article and says we shouldn't post it because they want to have at least one friend. I say you can talk it out if it upsets you. They want you to know that they're not like me, blah, blah, blah. WHATEVER. I'm like I am, and they can deal if I have to save their asses.
Anyway, so violence. I can't excuse violence to children, or abuse from family/lovers. Those things are repugnant. They revulse me. But at the same time, I can turn that off. That's why I should never have children, have friends, date, or get married. I would never let someone do the things that I want to do, to the who people whom I love. So I know that contradiction. I see it. And so I avoid people.
That is all