Well, I got my physical and that means that I can start weightlifting. I’m excited about that. But I still feel drained and like Im missing the whole point.
I feel purposeless and pointless. If any of this actually mattered, then I could focus. But this is just life, standard life. The same life I’ve lived my whole life.
I need a change of pace, a purpose, something that can capture my attention and can keep it, a way to change the world. In my writing its always the same themes, the same characters, the same situations. I have to get this out of my system or my life will never be something I’m happy with.
I have to, have to, have to do something about this world. SOMETHING! I don’t know where to start or what to do, but I can’t keep living like this. I can’t do it.
But I also know that I can’t keep myself up like would be required without severe internal compromises, and a strong external support. I will give my brains and my bones to the first person who gets me out of this house and shows me a path to freedom.
At this point, people like me seem crazy. I’m just a product of the world I grew up in. I’m a product of these people and these places.
I’m faced with a delema that pairs the future with my depression:do I let it get deep, priving to everyone I was right, and fight the good fight, or do I fight the little battles to keep it away, no one belives me, and I get no satisfaction?
It sounds narcisistic, and I know it, but I can have the world in my hands. I know I can. And if you don’t think I can now, you cannot deny that I could learn. I attract people who are going places, even if you think that I have no future. I see myself getting left behind because I am not in charge of my life at this point.
I can’t live like this. I need someone or something to fight, or I can’t continue to live.
“Fear he who has nothing left to lose.”