Missionary- means I have a mission

Here I am, just posting so that I’ll have another post, yet again.

Well, L has joined my readership somewhat, and I’ve worried if that would change the way I write, but the truth is, I don’t think it will. I mean, it isn’t like I’ve said anything here that I wouldn’t say to his face.

But other than that… I’m pretty low right now… learned some things about a girly of mine that make me worry. Feel like breaking up with the BF… crying would be good. I feel so damn low because I can’t get anything done.

I really need to get a job so that I can move out already. I’ll be terrified, but I’ll make it. My mum nearly hit me today, its becoming all the more common for her to threaten me, and I can’t help but think, really? Is this really happening to me? How does something like this happen to me?

And I’m just so frustrated and sad about it that I’m starting to feel myself get drained. And in the day to day I’m getting more and more willing to use violence. My BF wouldn’t understand the lashing out, he wouldn’t understand anything. He’s clueless and useless and I can’t hold dead weight like that right now.

I need to move forward, and I need to get all of this frustration out of me, I can’t take it.

I’ve nearly reached the end of Gundam Seed Destiny… i think ill be watching the show where the guys from new jersey are in mecha, but i can’t remember it.

I enjoyed my weekly DBZ Kai viewing. That always makes me feel better.

I need to be out in the world doing something, making something, changing something, thinking new thoughts, thinking old thoughts in new ways. I need, need, need to get out of here. I need to leave this pathetic town, I need to be somewhere things are happening, and until then, I need to make something happen here.

But with mood swings this intense, apathy that is complete and then non-extant, it’s so hard to keep something going, especially something that amazing.

But in my bones I feel the same as always. Soon there will be something to resist and I have to be one of those people who resist it. Once I have a cause, I’m willing to sacrifice my time, my intellect, by body to it and for it.

I took a test the other day which was supposed to determine what political you are most like. I took the test and not believeing, I took it again. Both times I scored like Gandhi. Well that was about enough to send the conspiracy part of my brain into overdrive, activating my martyr complex.

I don’t care, I’m willing to sacrifice myself for what ever cause. But the thing is, I need a cause I can believe in.

… to be continued


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