Think Bigger


I want to be a part of something bigger. Anyone who knows me knows that. I’m not hppy in this little tiny world.

And people sy that I can’t make a difference. Well, I don’t need to make one, I just need to feel like I am.

And I don’t really know if you can explain this to someone who’s never felt that way, but I think that I can try. Perhaps one day I will look back on this and see how naive I have been, but bear with me. You must remember that these are as much for me as they are for you.

Since I was so little I have wanted to know everything that there is to know about the world that I live in. That doesn’t mean the actual place, or the world you are in. I mean the one *I* live in, or more accuratly, the ones. I exist with my foot in so many different world, in so many doors if you will. Sometimes juggling all of it is hard.

My worlds:

  1. School work
  2. Weightlifting
  3. Anime-Manga-Cosplay
  4. Crossdressing/Trans/Gender/Sexuality
  5. Conspiricy theory
  6. My imagination
  7. The world in my head/people in my head
  8. Socializing/Family/Friends
  9. Politics
  10. Depression/Mania/Anger/Fear
  11. Internet/Info-Kicking/Information Overstimulation

I juggle all of those to just appear as normal as I do. There are things that I don’t get involved in, a lot of things I don’t, because I just can’t handle the extra strain.

But back to what I was saying, trying to explain this to others, and perhaps to explain to myself why I am like this.

I was in 1st grade, I believe, when I followed my first election. My mum let me stay up late to watch Bush be elected this first time. I believe I watched his ingural address, thought I do not remember.

I watched 9/11 live on CNN in 2nd grade because I hadn’t done my homework and I was in for detention during recess. I didn’t watch it with sound until early 2009.

I remember how I felt when I heard about the anthrax, because my mother worked at a mailing factory, and we lived close to Atlanta at the time.

I remember being angry and sad and scared when the Patriot act was passed. I became livid when I began to really understand what it meant, and indescribable when it was passed again.

I remember thinking how stupid it was when we invaded Iraq, and thinking how many kids would die from it. All I knew how to think about was the life I lived, and all I could imagine was someone bombing my neighborhood or my school, or shooting at my parents.

I remember watching the second election of Bush, all the politics leading up to it, how contested the election was and thinking “things like that really happen in my country?”

I remember when everything was dandy, and everyone was flipping houses, and I watched the day the stock market hit it’s highest point.

I also remember watching the housing market collapse, and the collapse of banks, and watched live when the stock market hit its lowest.

I remember watching the Greek Riots live on TV and wondering how long it would take something like that to happen here. I remember researching every detail of it, and watching the daily footage.

I remember the year of politics that went into Obama’s election, and calling it June. I remember thinking to myself, “okay, he’s going to win. Now, is that a good thing?” Even though I thought he was great at the time.

I remember all the farce that was the Christmas day bombing, and the time square bombing. I also remember how scared I was that Bush would declare martial law and not leave office.

I also remember the independence movement in Kosovo, and the Civil unrest in Iran.

And you know what? I am a product of all of that. I grew up in the age of the internet, I have seen computers come a long way in my life, and I’ve also seen how they have destroyed things. I couldn’t live without them, though they are neither good nor evil.

But this isn’t about computers. It’s about people, and governments, and change.

Things have started to get bad in the US. My mum has been out of a job for over two years, and we are living on my dad’s income. It’s not so bad for us because our lease was up, and we were able to move into a small trailer on the property where my father works. But if my dad had a different job, if one thing had been different, if my mom hadn’t qualified for unemployment, I’d be homeless right now.

And on the news all the time, I see pictures of the gay kid, the trans kid, the depressed kid who have killed themselves this week. Sometimes I frown, sometimes I cry. Because, you know what? I’ve met that kid before. They weren’t a bad kid, they weren’t lost… They just hurt, because they couldn’t come to terms with it, someone else wouldn’t, shame, whatever. I like women, I have depression, my ex is trans, and I don’t have the most stable gender identity because of my condition. I know how close in my life I have come to being that dead kid on the news.

And all of this in my life, compounded with a cargnie-jewish impulse to be suspicious, to be paranoid, to not trust second hand information, had led me to where I am. To being not-okay with the place I am in, the situation I find around myself, the way things are going.

The hispanics will fall before me (excluding the fact I am hispanic, but don’t look it), but then it will be my people who go next, the mentally ill, the socially strange, the misunderstood.

We’ll be next, I can see it, feel it, have been able to all my life. And to be honest, I’m not okay with it. I have to be willing to fight for this, I have to be willing to give my time, and my blood, and everything I hold dear for this.

I just… I won’t be able to lead this. I HAVE to find someone who can be my leader, because while I am a good second in command, I am not a good leader. I don’t have a way with people. I can make things happen, when the pressure is tight, and the weight is bearing down, but otherwise, I’m no good. I’m no good in the long run.

~Sophia Out

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