Tired — Bored

Nothing to really say today, except I’m so tired of my life…

I was looking at something about Harry Potter, which I actually find kind of triggering sometimes, because I’ll think of how much I wanted that world to be real, and how much I really hate this one.

This world isn’t filled with enough, this world is boring. Where is the fantastical? Where is the amazing? I just can’t stand to live like this.

*sigh*

Nothing to write about today…

other than i have a date this weekend… and im not all that excited.

I dunno if i put this up here… but i learned one of my friends is suidical, about a week ago. *sigh*

I just want someone to hold me right now… *sigh*

Drained

Started to watch nurarihyon no mago… which is good, dispite itself.

I feel… empty and quiet. The last person I want to talk to is the BF… and so ive been avoiding him. I need to find my phone anyway.

But I also had the semi-fleeting idea to cast a spell. To which I thought, “that’s an up indecator!”

FML

Anyway, how are you?

Another Day

…

Nothing much happened today except I pushed myself very hard at frisbee.

I feel tired.

I should charge my cell phone and talk to the boy I’m not even really interested in, My BF, I mean…

I should be writing and studying and the like, but I am tired, you know? Tired… I was up earlier, but I am tired…

Why can’t there be something exciting in my life? I’d like something exciting for a little while. Perhaps not forever, but for a little while.

I… need to be studying for my AP, but I am terminally bored… Terminally, i say…

“Autumnal”

On a misty mountain
Full of tears
I feel you waiting there…

As the spark blossoms
I’ll hold out my hand
And we can run away together…

When the wind is blowing
We can whistle and sing
And laugh until we weep…

But when the ground is cold
Beneath my feet
That is when I must
…
Go…

Missionary- means I have a mission

Here I am, just posting so that I’ll have another post, yet again.

Well, L has joined my readership somewhat, and I’ve worried if that would change the way I write, but the truth is, I don’t think it will. I mean, it isn’t like I’ve said anything here that I wouldn’t say to his face.

But other than that… I’m pretty low right now… learned some things about a girly of mine that make me worry. Feel like breaking up with the BF… crying would be good. I feel so damn low because I can’t get anything done.

I really need to get a job so that I can move out already. I’ll be terrified, but I’ll make it. My mum nearly hit me today, its becoming all the more common for her to threaten me, and I can’t help but think, really? Is this really happening to me? How does something like this happen to me?

And I’m just so frustrated and sad about it that I’m starting to feel myself get drained. And in the day to day I’m getting more and more willing to use violence. My BF wouldn’t understand the lashing out, he wouldn’t understand anything. He’s clueless and useless and I can’t hold dead weight like that right now.

I need to move forward, and I need to get all of this frustration out of me, I can’t take it.

I’ve nearly reached the end of Gundam Seed Destiny… i think ill be watching the show where the guys from new jersey are in mecha, but i can’t remember it.

I enjoyed my weekly DBZ Kai viewing. That always makes me feel better.

I need to be out in the world doing something, making something, changing something, thinking new thoughts, thinking old thoughts in new ways. I need, need, need to get out of here. I need to leave this pathetic town, I need to be somewhere things are happening, and until then, I need to make something happen here.

But with mood swings this intense, apathy that is complete and then non-extant, it’s so hard to keep something going, especially something that amazing.

But in my bones I feel the same as always. Soon there will be something to resist and I have to be one of those people who resist it. Once I have a cause, I’m willing to sacrifice my time, my intellect, by body to it and for it.

I took a test the other day which was supposed to determine what political you are most like. I took the test and not believeing, I took it again. Both times I scored like Gandhi. Well that was about enough to send the conspiracy part of my brain into overdrive, activating my martyr complex.

I don’t care, I’m willing to sacrifice myself for what ever cause. But the thing is, I need a cause I can believe in.

… to be continued