Saw My Councilor…

So I saw my councilor today. She talked to mother… who let the cat out of the bag. She was overly obsessed with opposites and trauma and integration.

I don’t know if I want to integrate, and I sure as hell know that I won’t be doing it now.

So I’ve set three rules:
1. We all get to know each other
2. We learn to communicate
3. We solve all of our problems individually

THEN we can think of integrating. I think that alone is probably a decade or so.

She was very keen to find “opposites”. Well, there are a lot of kinds of “opposite”. Sophie and I are opposites, but in a more real way, me and Apollo are opposites too! Then again, so are me and Sleeper, or me and Mag. Melencholia and Exode are opposites, and so are Melencholia and Apollo. Melencholia and I are opposites. Bean and I are opposites. Auto and Bean are opposites. Auto and I are opposites. Everyone is an opposite of everyone else if you look at it the right way.

Mag had the floor for most of the session.

The councilor asked, “What should I call you?”

My thought was, by our names, duh. But Mag said to call us by our collective name. Which is okay, I mean we all agreed to it, but you’d think…

She said, “You know you can’t be really be diagnosed MPD when you have bipolar disorder.”

To which I stepped in and answered:
1- We don’t want to be diagnosed, we want therapy
2- You use the DSM-IV-TR, we can’t be MDP, we would be DID
3- I was diagnosed Atypical Depressive, not Bipolar

And she said: Really? You display a lot of bipolar features!

Mag: Yeah, I know. All my bipolar friends think I really have Bipolar II. I don’t see it. I think Multiplicity explains it a lot better actually.

Her: So when did you split?

Mag: Recently? About a month ago when Muse came in. Dark busted S. up into us. She said we were poorly integrated.

Her: When did you integrate?

Mag: Between 3 and 6 or so.

Her: So what made you split?

Mag: I think we were born that way.

Her: It must take a lot of energy to deal with that.

Holo: Not as much as ignoring everyone!

Her: Oh…

Holo: But it works out a lot of our orientation and gender issues.

Her: How so?

Mag: There are four guy inside us, and they all have different sexualities. The girls have different sexualities too. So, then, gender isn’t an issue. We’re BOTH.

Her: I see… (doesn’t understand)

So yeah, we’re in the god-damned rabbit hole. Oh well. I’d rather take the red pill anyway.

So, she wants to see us again on Monday. FUN, not.

~Dark out

Need An Overload

My mood is somewhat improved over the last week, on account of getting everything I wanted, but it’s a rollercoaster crapshoot. Up and down, then up again.

As my mood fluctuates, I’m just running out of steam. I’m basically out of steam as it were. What the hell, like seriously? I think I may be working too hard internally. I should take a few steps back and get some exercise, relax a bit. My dog is having a seizure in the next room I think… I’m not allowed to check on account of how agressive he gets, so I hope he’s ok. Sounds like my dad’s with him.

I am so weepy and tired of this world. I wish that I could be where Muse is from, I wish I could do the job that she did. It’s just beautiful the way that she lived… It makes me cry sometimes that I can’t have things that beautiful. Nothing in this world is as beautiful as that place where she’s from. And nothing is as ugly.

This world is so mediocre… I wish there was something that I really cared about. I am so apathetic right now, and yeah, the dog’s having a seizure, I can hear him thrashing, and it shakes the trailer that I live in. It sucks you know? Ech, I’m just emptied out right now.

Just wish I could let myself cry. Wish that I could sleep for days. Wish I could extend myself as far as I know I should. It makes me so broken to think that I know what I want, and in this world, that it is completely impossible. Not by rules or people, but by the laws of nature. People like Muse cannot exist here. And it makes me so, so sad. Because Muse’s home is what I want.

I think that’s why she keeps it mostly hidden from me, because I just can’t stand that overwhelming joy that I know that I will never have. I mean, DAMN, what she did for a living is everything that I want. It’s pure and crystal and beautiful and it sings. And I’m so sad to be so limited like this.

I just want to drown in information. God, why can’t anyone understand my need to drown in information and ideas and concepts and sounds and words and thoughts and math and everything? Just drown, drown, drown in it. Drown the world away. How the hell do people manage to live if they don’t cope like this.

Information is so hard to find. God. It needs to be smooth like a good whiskey, that kick, that heat going down your throat. It needs to burn a bit. But it should be uninterrupted and overwhelming. God, why can’t people understand my dispair! But no one, no one does…

So I try to cry…

~LeMorgon

Medianhood or Midcontinuum Life

First of all, I have not been diagnosed with MPD/DID. I did not originate in abuse. And I don’t have flying toaster powers.

With that said, I’m a gateway system to a place called 101602. Part of it is effected by my mind, most of it is not. I run MOSTLY co-consciously, which kept my multiplicity hidden from me for quite some time. It’s hard at times to pull everyone apart, but I have about 18 people that I can readily identify…

I’ve just recently dived into this, so there are probably quite a few more if the numbers are already this high… but who knows? It could be everybody is already counted!

The real blow was realizing that there was no one that matched up with the body name. No one ever liked the body name, not ever. So we’ve decided that we’ll change it to Sophia David LeMorgon when we turn 18. So who I thought I was shattered right before my eyes.

And suddenly my inability to keep even basic tenets of faith made sense, and my multitude of strong viewpoint. And why sometimes I feel bipolar, but other times I’m just Depressive. And how my preferences and food aversions can change at the drop of a hat.

I’m not going to try to explain everyone tonight. It’d take too much out of me. But there is time.

But I do think that the one most recognisable to everyone other than me is Sophie, my Catholic who started the blog. She’s been asleep for a very long time.

But figuring out what belongs to who is to interesting. I started out thinking that everyong was just functions or something horrible like that. I realize that was just the first thing that I could tell about them from the next. And I realized what I thought was one was really two or three.

And I have met them before. They’ve been my first person “character” in my dreams. So I think there are probably five or so left.

Auto is obsessed with the idea of integration, and only a few people oppose it, but we all have reservations… We’re worried that it would mean that we would die… So we’re going to spend at least a semester together getting to know all of everyone before we can even begin to decide what would be best for all of us.

Dark and Apollo are a bit aloof. They’re not up for much talk, they’re up for action. So I don’t know them very well, but I know their actions. I just want to peel away the layers. I should give them their space, but it’s just something I do.

Anyway, so now you know what *I* mean when I say I’m a Median.

Does anyone think that I should rotate who is extreme front? holo’s the one who’s doing it almost exclusively since I figured it out. I supose that if I don’t let the come extreme front that they don’t really get to live, do they? Perhaps I’ll relax and let someone else come up front. holo is getting tired. She didn’t front much before, and Red or Ang really want to get up front. Their frustration is making the body very weepy.

18July2010 Paper Diary

19:10 – Bed
Weepy 2, Lonely 1

I think I’ll be seeing my psych Tuesday, and I think I’ll need to ask to have my dose upped… Even though it was only upped four weeks ago… I am just starting to feel down. Headaches. Sleepiness. Irritability, frustration.

I took a nap today from 14:00 to 17:00, which is really not a good sign. So I’m going to stay up until about 23:30 or so to keep about 9 hours of sleep, or else I can begin to spiral. I’m working on going to bed early and getting up early.

19:00 marks the end of computer time from now hense (which I am now breaking). A schedual should help my mood. Maybe it will help me stabalize.

Describe you own personal experience with mood swings and how they’ve affected your life.

Depression description:
I have a few days of hyper focus and excess energy before I start to get low and weepy. It starts like a mild funk, indestinguishable form a low day, but somewhere along the way, I escape from my feelings through sleep and I begin to get headaches. I become more and more guilty, and I get less and less energy. Soon I become easily frustrated, confused & I lose all concentration and self-respect. It gets so miserable.

Effects of Depression:
I become so negative that no one really want to hang out with me, which makes me feel worse, and more useless. But most hurtful of all is its effect on my grades. At a 147 IQ, I should get things so fast, and get straight A’s. But when I’m depressed, at times it’s hard to pull C’s decause of the lack of focus, and the headaches and the hypersomnia. The amount of sleep can be rediculous!

Future Educational Goals:
Ph. D. in Biology
Ph. D. in Psychology
Masters in English

(insert long, complicated plan to achieve these goals that I am too tired to type right now, but might add in later…)

Happy 4, Excited 6, Energized 7

(Thus ended a very down day… I was shocked by the turn around)