Saw My Psych

I’m not posting as much as I’d like, but I’m a bit tired… I slept a lot, but I’m still tired.

Anyway, so we went to the psych yesterday, and she was a lot more understanding than last time. We gave her descriptions of everyone, and showed her 13 statements about therapy and integration from diferent people.

She said that this was outside of her realm of knowledge, and that she would be working from her gut. We thanked her for admitting that, and now we have way more respect for her.

She had the rest of the session with Dark, who usually doesn’t talk to other people except to insult them. She really let out a lot that we didn’t even know she was bottling up. Her thoughts and feelings and impulses make a lot more sense now, along with her eternal desire to keep things where she knows she can handle them.

She’s apparently been saving our ass for years, and really resents it. I think I would too. She feels that most of her problems will begin to resolve themselves if she gets more exercise, and if everyone else begins to “clean up their own messes”. I don’t blame her.

Pro-ana?

So, someone in here is pro-ana. As in “for the ‘lifestyle’ version of anorexia”, complete with Ana, which is Anorexia personified.

There’s thinspo (pictures of skinny models used to keep you from eating), and crash diets, along with unhealthy fasts.

And yeah, it’s a little scary but sa doesn’t seem to care. I don’t know who it is. It doesn’t seem to be a person-person, but more of a 2D fragment. It may expand into a person over time. I really have no clue what to do about it. I think that Dark may absorb it. She wants a tiny, muscily frame. Her mental body is actually the tiniest, despite her emense strength.

So sa set up a blog to chart sa’s weightloss. Sa wants to be 100 lbs! And while that’s still in the “average” BMI range, the body is fairly big boned.

Sa doesn’t have serious body issues, sa’s not disgusted, but sa wants to change the body, and sa knows sa can. I think the seed was planted in WeightLifting, when everyone realized that changing the body could actually be a reality, rather than a pleasent fiction.

So yesterday, the body was restricted to 900calories… If this continues, it could be a problem, because none of us really want to stand up to her. We want a smaller body. Muse is the only one with a larger body image. The rest of us are all very small.

I don’t really want to stand up to this, but I know that I should. I think I’ve changed a lot recently, but I kind of want to be skinny… For the outside to match the inside.

I don’t know. I’m worried that “pro-ana” may turn into anorexia, boulimia or EDNOS. But I’m not worried enough to do anything about it.

Arg.

—

03 Aug Update

Dark has swallowed sa up, and moderated sa to an extent. The impulses are healthier and more balanced now. Dark is not “Pro-Ana”, she’s just working on changing the body to fit her image more closely.

I think this is a pretty good development.

Tired

So I didn’t post yesterday, and I’m tired today. Want to sleep, but it was a pretty good day. I’m starting a diet, but I don’t really know how long that will last with all this switching.

Mag and Holo are seperating again, but they’re different now. They’re both a bit more moderated, which is good. Going to Mass, and Sophie better be there, or we might have a little mutiny.

I need to get ready to see my councilor. Ugggh. Is it really the weekend already. Anyway, I’ll tell you how it goes.

Response to 5 Tips for Depression

Tip #1. Do you get enough Light and Sunshine?

Definatly not. Most days I get >10 minutes. My goal, 30 minutes a day.

Tip #2. Keep Busy and Get Inspired.

I’m currently working on my Day Zero challenge, and I’m working hard on becoming a better me.

Tip #3. Take a Break. Sit back and Relax.

Yay! My art would be really good for this. And maybe writing a little bit more. >.<

Tip #4. Maintain a healthy diet and Stay Fit.

I have to watch out for all that sugar! More greens, more fruit, less meat and preprocessed foods. It’s not the be-all and end-all, but I do know it effects my mood!

And excersice would be good too! Most of us feel thinner than we look, so we would do better to have a body that is more in line with our personal image!

Tip #5. Get a Social Life outside of work.

I’d be the first to admit that I don’t have one! I’m also working on this with my Day Zero challenge, where I’ll be making new friends, trying fun things, and traveling abroad!

I’d love to spend more time with my friends, but I never seem to find the time! It’s time to take a hard look at my priorities, and figure out what is really important to me!

Read the origional article!

Saw My Councilor…

So I saw my councilor today. She talked to mother… who let the cat out of the bag. She was overly obsessed with opposites and trauma and integration.

I don’t know if I want to integrate, and I sure as hell know that I won’t be doing it now.

So I’ve set three rules:
1. We all get to know each other
2. We learn to communicate
3. We solve all of our problems individually

THEN we can think of integrating. I think that alone is probably a decade or so.

She was very keen to find “opposites”. Well, there are a lot of kinds of “opposite”. Sophie and I are opposites, but in a more real way, me and Apollo are opposites too! Then again, so are me and Sleeper, or me and Mag. Melencholia and Exode are opposites, and so are Melencholia and Apollo. Melencholia and I are opposites. Bean and I are opposites. Auto and Bean are opposites. Auto and I are opposites. Everyone is an opposite of everyone else if you look at it the right way.

Mag had the floor for most of the session.

The councilor asked, “What should I call you?”

My thought was, by our names, duh. But Mag said to call us by our collective name. Which is okay, I mean we all agreed to it, but you’d think…

She said, “You know you can’t be really be diagnosed MPD when you have bipolar disorder.”

To which I stepped in and answered:
1- We don’t want to be diagnosed, we want therapy
2- You use the DSM-IV-TR, we can’t be MDP, we would be DID
3- I was diagnosed Atypical Depressive, not Bipolar

And she said: Really? You display a lot of bipolar features!

Mag: Yeah, I know. All my bipolar friends think I really have Bipolar II. I don’t see it. I think Multiplicity explains it a lot better actually.

Her: So when did you split?

Mag: Recently? About a month ago when Muse came in. Dark busted S. up into us. She said we were poorly integrated.

Her: When did you integrate?

Mag: Between 3 and 6 or so.

Her: So what made you split?

Mag: I think we were born that way.

Her: It must take a lot of energy to deal with that.

Holo: Not as much as ignoring everyone!

Her: Oh…

Holo: But it works out a lot of our orientation and gender issues.

Her: How so?

Mag: There are four guy inside us, and they all have different sexualities. The girls have different sexualities too. So, then, gender isn’t an issue. We’re BOTH.

Her: I see… (doesn’t understand)

So yeah, we’re in the god-damned rabbit hole. Oh well. I’d rather take the red pill anyway.

So, she wants to see us again on Monday. FUN, not.

~Dark out