I don’t know if I posted this a while back, if I have, sorry.
Ria and Slink don’t exist anymore. They merged with Dark. Its been over two weeks and I really don’t know the impact of this because Ria was like glue, and Slink was like acid. So who knows?
Maybe this has caused some of the instability.
Posted in Dark, Depression, Electronic Diary, Faces, Multiplicity, Other, Ria, Slink
So I saw my councilor today. She talked to mother… who let the cat out of the bag. She was overly obsessed with opposites and trauma and integration.
I don’t know if I want to integrate, and I sure as hell know that I won’t be doing it now.
So I’ve set three rules:
1. We all get to know each other
2. We learn to communicate
3. We solve all of our problems individually
THEN we can think of integrating. I think that alone is probably a decade or so.
She was very keen to find “opposites”. Well, there are a lot of kinds of “opposite”. Sophie and I are opposites, but in a more real way, me and Apollo are opposites too! Then again, so are me and Sleeper, or me and Mag. Melencholia and Exode are opposites, and so are Melencholia and Apollo. Melencholia and I are opposites. Bean and I are opposites. Auto and Bean are opposites. Auto and I are opposites. Everyone is an opposite of everyone else if you look at it the right way.
Mag had the floor for most of the session.
The councilor asked, “What should I call you?”
My thought was, by our names, duh. But Mag said to call us by our collective name. Which is okay, I mean we all agreed to it, but you’d think…
She said, “You know you can’t be really be diagnosed MPD when you have bipolar disorder.”
To which I stepped in and answered:
1- We don’t want to be diagnosed, we want therapy
2- You use the DSM-IV-TR, we can’t be MDP, we would be DID
3- I was diagnosed Atypical Depressive, not Bipolar
And she said: Really? You display a lot of bipolar features!
Mag: Yeah, I know. All my bipolar friends think I really have Bipolar II. I don’t see it. I think Multiplicity explains it a lot better actually.
Her: So when did you split?
Mag: Recently? About a month ago when Muse came in. Dark busted S. up into us. She said we were poorly integrated.
Her: When did you integrate?
Mag: Between 3 and 6 or so.
Her: So what made you split?
Mag: I think we were born that way.
Her: It must take a lot of energy to deal with that.
Holo: Not as much as ignoring everyone!
Her: Oh…
Holo: But it works out a lot of our orientation and gender issues.
Her: How so?
Mag: There are four guy inside us, and they all have different sexualities. The girls have different sexualities too. So, then, gender isn’t an issue. We’re BOTH.
Her: I see… (doesn’t understand)
So yeah, we’re in the god-damned rabbit hole. Oh well. I’d rather take the red pill anyway.
So, she wants to see us again on Monday. FUN, not.
~Dark out
Posted in Apollo, Auto, Bean, Dark, Depression, DID/MPD, Electronic Diary, holo, Mag, Melencholia, Multiplicity, Other, Ria, Slink
Just a little bit of an update, and to clear a few things up.
Yeah, I kind of did away with the who responded to the body name. Oh well. Sa was really ruining all of our lives. I think after everything settles down, we’ll all be much happier without sa. And all the parts of sa are still here.
Sa was a hasty integration from back before we knew what the word was. Sa was only partially functional. I, Mag and Sleeper would often have to save sa’s ass. The point where I couldn’t take it anymore was the whole Melecholia bit. Melencholia split, but sa was determined to pull her back in. No wonder sa had so many body and idea issues! Sa was just a hasty, poorly planned amalgam. I seriously doubt SA’S personhood. In my view SA was the disorder.
So yeah, we’re having a lot of upheaval right now, and Holo is just sticking her nose in everything. She needs to get over her narccisism, I just can’t take it anymore! I’ll work on what she can’t stand if she stops copying Sophie’s “holier than thou” attitude. I would really like both of them to stop that. I think we could really get along if they stop!
Holo feels so damn persecuted, and she burns out really easy. I hope she keeps a back seat for the next while and lets me do things. She really paints me badly and I don’t know why!
Oh, and just for the news, I’ve absorbed Ria and Slink. It wasn’t forced or anything. It was just a bit easier like this. This is seriously going to mess with Holo’s little internal diagramming. She can’t figure out where Apollo and I are a lot of the time. Duh, we’re in the city.
And she gets so worried about the memories that we don’t share. SORRY, but that’s my business. I made a promise with sa (one responding to the body name) a long while back that I would not act on any of my “darker” impulses, in exchange for my privacy. I’m prettyu private for the most part, but I also use information as a weapon.
I understand that I may not be the easiest, or the most pleasent, or the most loveable person to share head-space with, but GODS DAMN IT! I am a REAL person. I have impulses, and I control them. And somehow mine are less acceptable than Melencholia’s suicidal binges? I don’t even fixate like she does.
So honestly, I think Holo is in the wrong. Which is not to say that I am blameless. Yeah, I busted sa up into the REAL parts, take that as you will. Despite whatever Holo says, we are actually functioning BETTER now than before. She wouldn’t know. She’s new.
~My 2 cents
Posted in 101602, Apollo, Dark, Electronic Diary, holo, Mag, Melencholia, Multiplicity, Other, Ria, Slink
Ok, so having pretty intense mood swings in the last two hours… And, um, yeah, ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE…
Muse wants to come up and front run, and she’s overlapping really bad… I (holo?) don’t really want her so close to front or in front because she thinks of things in 101601 and it spills over, and it just makes us want to cry at the unfairness of it all.
Illia and Mag are upset about the overlap too, but for different reasons, and Melencholia is just throwing a fit! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
Sleeper is dealing with the stress by trying to put the body to sleep, Kat is just trying to zone out, Exode isn’t ready to sleep yet and is keeping us up despite the depressed and possibly dangerously self-injurous mood that we find ourselves in.
Slink is refusing to wear clothes of any kind, or wrap ourselves in a towel. Sophie is absolutely sure that it’s not her problem, damn Catholic. Whatever happened to love thy neighbor? Sadie’s actively ignoring it, hoping it will go away.
And everyone else is busy, away, or laughing. Yay me. I’m a friggin’ roller-coaster!
I really just need to go to bed, that’s the best thing for me ’cause I can’t manage anything productive, but I just can’t bring myself to do it!
I feel like taking one of my mother’s anti-anxiety pills. but I know I shouldn’t. I (holo) pretty much hate all pills, unless they are specifically perscribed to me. *I* don’t want to take pills! Then WHO THE HELL DOES?!? FRUSTRATING!
And the thing is, I honestly LOVE Muse! She’s such a wonderful person! But they place she is from is so amazing and so beautiful that it makes this life so pointless and ugly. I wish we could all go and live in her old body…
I WISH I COULD CRY RIGHT NOW…
does anyone have any tips on that? crying when you really need to but don’t want to?
My mood is somewhat improved over the last week, on account of getting everything I wanted, but it’s a rollercoaster crapshoot. Up and down, then up again.
As my mood fluctuates, I’m just running out of steam. I’m basically out of steam as it were. What the hell, like seriously? I think I may be working too hard internally. I should take a few steps back and get some exercise, relax a bit. My dog is having a seizure in the next room I think… I’m not allowed to check on account of how agressive he gets, so I hope he’s ok. Sounds like my dad’s with him.
I am so weepy and tired of this world. I wish that I could be where Muse is from, I wish I could do the job that she did. It’s just beautiful the way that she lived… It makes me cry sometimes that I can’t have things that beautiful. Nothing in this world is as beautiful as that place where she’s from. And nothing is as ugly.
This world is so mediocre… I wish there was something that I really cared about. I am so apathetic right now, and yeah, the dog’s having a seizure, I can hear him thrashing, and it shakes the trailer that I live in. It sucks you know? Ech, I’m just emptied out right now.
Just wish I could let myself cry. Wish that I could sleep for days. Wish I could extend myself as far as I know I should. It makes me so broken to think that I know what I want, and in this world, that it is completely impossible. Not by rules or people, but by the laws of nature. People like Muse cannot exist here. And it makes me so, so sad. Because Muse’s home is what I want.
I think that’s why she keeps it mostly hidden from me, because I just can’t stand that overwhelming joy that I know that I will never have. I mean, DAMN, what she did for a living is everything that I want. It’s pure and crystal and beautiful and it sings. And I’m so sad to be so limited like this.
I just want to drown in information. God, why can’t anyone understand my need to drown in information and ideas and concepts and sounds and words and thoughts and math and everything? Just drown, drown, drown in it. Drown the world away. How the hell do people manage to live if they don’t cope like this.
Information is so hard to find. God. It needs to be smooth like a good whiskey, that kick, that heat going down your throat. It needs to burn a bit. But it should be uninterrupted and overwhelming. God, why can’t people understand my dispair! But no one, no one does…
So I try to cry…
~LeMorgon
Becoming Whole 