Saw My Psych

I’m not posting as much as I’d like, but I’m a bit tired… I slept a lot, but I’m still tired.

Anyway, so we went to the psych yesterday, and she was a lot more understanding than last time. We gave her descriptions of everyone, and showed her 13 statements about therapy and integration from diferent people.

She said that this was outside of her realm of knowledge, and that she would be working from her gut. We thanked her for admitting that, and now we have way more respect for her.

She had the rest of the session with Dark, who usually doesn’t talk to other people except to insult them. She really let out a lot that we didn’t even know she was bottling up. Her thoughts and feelings and impulses make a lot more sense now, along with her eternal desire to keep things where she knows she can handle them.

She’s apparently been saving our ass for years, and really resents it. I think I would too. She feels that most of her problems will begin to resolve themselves if she gets more exercise, and if everyone else begins to “clean up their own messes”. I don’t blame her.

Tired

So I didn’t post yesterday, and I’m tired today. Want to sleep, but it was a pretty good day. I’m starting a diet, but I don’t really know how long that will last with all this switching.

Mag and Holo are seperating again, but they’re different now. They’re both a bit more moderated, which is good. Going to Mass, and Sophie better be there, or we might have a little mutiny.

I need to get ready to see my councilor. Ugggh. Is it really the weekend already. Anyway, I’ll tell you how it goes.

Saw My Councilor…

So I saw my councilor today. She talked to mother… who let the cat out of the bag. She was overly obsessed with opposites and trauma and integration.

I don’t know if I want to integrate, and I sure as hell know that I won’t be doing it now.

So I’ve set three rules:
1. We all get to know each other
2. We learn to communicate
3. We solve all of our problems individually

THEN we can think of integrating. I think that alone is probably a decade or so.

She was very keen to find “opposites”. Well, there are a lot of kinds of “opposite”. Sophie and I are opposites, but in a more real way, me and Apollo are opposites too! Then again, so are me and Sleeper, or me and Mag. Melencholia and Exode are opposites, and so are Melencholia and Apollo. Melencholia and I are opposites. Bean and I are opposites. Auto and Bean are opposites. Auto and I are opposites. Everyone is an opposite of everyone else if you look at it the right way.

Mag had the floor for most of the session.

The councilor asked, “What should I call you?”

My thought was, by our names, duh. But Mag said to call us by our collective name. Which is okay, I mean we all agreed to it, but you’d think…

She said, “You know you can’t be really be diagnosed MPD when you have bipolar disorder.”

To which I stepped in and answered:
1- We don’t want to be diagnosed, we want therapy
2- You use the DSM-IV-TR, we can’t be MDP, we would be DID
3- I was diagnosed Atypical Depressive, not Bipolar

And she said: Really? You display a lot of bipolar features!

Mag: Yeah, I know. All my bipolar friends think I really have Bipolar II. I don’t see it. I think Multiplicity explains it a lot better actually.

Her: So when did you split?

Mag: Recently? About a month ago when Muse came in. Dark busted S. up into us. She said we were poorly integrated.

Her: When did you integrate?

Mag: Between 3 and 6 or so.

Her: So what made you split?

Mag: I think we were born that way.

Her: It must take a lot of energy to deal with that.

Holo: Not as much as ignoring everyone!

Her: Oh…

Holo: But it works out a lot of our orientation and gender issues.

Her: How so?

Mag: There are four guy inside us, and they all have different sexualities. The girls have different sexualities too. So, then, gender isn’t an issue. We’re BOTH.

Her: I see… (doesn’t understand)

So yeah, we’re in the god-damned rabbit hole. Oh well. I’d rather take the red pill anyway.

So, she wants to see us again on Monday. FUN, not.

~Dark out

My Beef With Her Beef

Dark here, railing against Holo some more.

I (holo) have to start this by saying that I love Dark, I really do. Hell, I think everyone but Sophie does.

I’ve been here a long time. Of course we co-exist. You and Sophie are new.

She’s got lots of skills. She’s basically the only one with any spacial perception.

So does Muse!

She’s graceful and inspiring. All the boys love her. She’s great with kids(sometimes), and a pretty good teacher. She’s kept me from committing suicide more than once.

Us. Kept us from committing suicide. Don’t forget that we would ALL die.

She’s a great friend, but not such a good headmate.

She prefers to do her own thing, which is cool, but she sometimes keeps her memories from the rest of us.

It’s called privacy. I don’t keep anything important, you just have a need to know every damn thing about everybody!

She ‘killed’ the one who responded to the body name, saying “she was a poorly fused peice of flux”. And while that was probably true, she had no right.

Can’t argue here. But done is done, and the whole system is doing better now.

And she has impulses that scare me. She is pyromanical (not many of us like fire, and I’m almost phobic), which is okay when we need to turn on the stove and cook, but not okay when she wants to burn trees or houses (which we haven’t let her do).

Which I’ve promised NOT to do, but you’re too young to know that.

She also wants to mutilate animals! We also haven’t let her do that. We hand it all over to Sleeper and we conk out on the spot, wherever we find ourselves. (In the middle of PE once, but we were on the bleachers)

See above. And sa called Sleeper front, or GASP I did! Oh the horror!

She’s also OBSESSED with serial killers. While they facinate most of us, she is TOO INTERESTED.

And you’re TOO OBSESSED with keeping a FALSE, UNHEALTHY “peace”. We’re going to argue, get over it! I don’t LIKE harming system members. IT HURTS ME TOO! You didn’t even know about the whole thing until I TOLD YOU. I did what I felt needed to be done. I’m not confident that I made the right choice, but I can’t change that.

But she’s not all bad! She’s a real person.

Duh!

She’s awesome at math, but doesn’t do well with history except for the more morbid fascits… Science excites her, again, in a morbid way. She’s got no real use for English, but loves poetry. She likes to laugh when the rest of us are struggling.

I have a morbid sense of humor. *shrugs* So shoot me and call me a goth.

And she’s about the only one of us that likes to exercise.

Someone has to! Not that I really ever get to…

She very nice, very codial and pleasent until she gets offended. Then she just GOES OFF!

Yeah… I’ve gotten a lot better about that if you can remember. We’ve never been arrested, haven’t been in trouble for nearly four years now. I have a short temper. I work on it. I step back when it’s too much for me.

I don’t let her front, but Mag will.

BS. You’ve CONSCIOUSLY let me front. And you don’t really know how to STOP me, you just know how to keep coming annoyingly forward until I leave. *I* can keep you in the back, I just WON’T. You just want to sound like a martyr.

Dark really looks up to Muse, so I hope Muse can talk to her, and get her to work on some things, because I love her, and I WANT her to be able to front, but I can’t risk it! I don’t want her to injure us or anyone else.

Already said I WON’T.

This also makes me think there is a lot more to Muse than her caring face, but that’s not really what I’m talking about at the moment.

Idiot, SHE’S A MUSE! A Muse on a war ship (or similar). She has a background, but like me, she’s pretty private.

Dark is actually in a relationship, believe it or not, with Apollo, which suprised me a little at first, but now I understand.

Of COURSE it would suprise you… You don’t know anything about me!

He seems to moderate her, but if they were to co-front, people would really be able to tell. I mean, there would be this HUGE change in personality.

As if we didn’t already have HUGE personality shifts? Enough that people SERIOUSLY thought that we had been misdiagnosed!

So I can unleash the pair on the world and throw Sleeper up there to shut everything down, god forbid, or I have to come up with SOMETHING!

I prefer to front alone, thank you. Maybe Muse can come up here, but I really want my space.

And PLEASE don’t think that Dark is just an angry, bad person. She really is great! She has a really keen sense of justice, and can achieve ANYTHING she puts her mind to. But she clings to her violent thoughts like Melencholia clings to her suicidal thoughts, and Illia hangs onto thoughts of cutting and being raped. We all have our crosses to bear, even Sophie. It’s just that Dark’s is the most distressing at the moment.

Chillax Holo, distress is not the end of the world! You’ll survive!

I want to get to see more of Dark, because she’s the one that’s the most frustrated, and is contributing to our depression. Which makes her angry… (insert explaination of viscious cycle)

Dude, I WANT TO EXERCISE! I hate sunlight, and we’re not allowed out after dark. See an issue? And also, Sophie is a prude. I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sexual! Why the hell do you think Apollo and I get on so well?

Ideas anyone? I just don’t know where to start.

Start with a deep breath. Think clearly. THEN TRY TO TALK TO ME INSTEAD OF FREAKING OUT.

Anyway…. that was my two cents.

Dark Here

Just a little bit of an update, and to clear a few things up.

Yeah, I kind of did away with the who responded to the body name. Oh well. Sa was really ruining all of our lives. I think after everything settles down, we’ll all be much happier without sa. And all the parts of sa are still here.

Sa was a hasty integration from back before we knew what the word was. Sa was only partially functional. I, Mag and Sleeper would often have to save sa’s ass. The point where I couldn’t take it anymore was the whole Melecholia bit. Melencholia split, but sa was determined to pull her back in. No wonder sa had so many body and idea issues! Sa was just a hasty, poorly planned amalgam. I seriously doubt SA’S personhood. In my view SA was the disorder.

So yeah, we’re having a lot of upheaval right now, and Holo is just sticking her nose in everything. She needs to get over her narccisism, I just can’t take it anymore! I’ll work on what she can’t stand if she stops copying Sophie’s “holier than thou” attitude. I would really like both of them to stop that. I think we could really get along if they stop!

Holo feels so damn persecuted, and she burns out really easy. I hope she keeps a back seat for the next while and lets me do things. She really paints me badly and I don’t know why!

Oh, and just for the news, I’ve absorbed Ria and Slink. It wasn’t forced or anything. It was just a bit easier like this. This is seriously going to mess with Holo’s little internal diagramming. She can’t figure out where Apollo and I are a lot of the time. Duh, we’re in the city.

And she gets so worried about the memories that we don’t share. SORRY, but that’s my business. I made a promise with sa (one responding to the body name) a long while back that I would not act on any of my “darker” impulses, in exchange for my privacy. I’m prettyu private for the most part, but I also use information as a weapon.

I understand that I may not be the easiest, or the most pleasent, or the most loveable person to share head-space with, but GODS DAMN IT! I am a REAL person. I have impulses, and I control them. And somehow mine are less acceptable than Melencholia’s suicidal binges? I don’t even fixate like she does.

So honestly, I think Holo is in the wrong. Which is not to say that I am blameless. Yeah, I busted sa up into the REAL parts, take that as you will. Despite whatever Holo says, we are actually functioning BETTER now than before. She wouldn’t know. She’s new.

~My 2 cents